One of the craziest things about this journey has been that just when I think God is done teaching me something, He immediately moves onto something else. The process of shaping me is never quite done, and especially because there have been numerous occasions when I feel like He’s finally cut out every bit of [worldly, fleshly, deformed desire] only to find out later that I hadn’t actually surrendered fully and small bits of it (and the occasional large bit that I’ve been oblivious to) are still there. What I have discovered is that there is sometimes such a great tension between my desires and His desires that I literally feel like I’m being torn in half. I want so badly to surrender my WHOLE life to Him…to walk in complete abandon for His will…for my desires to fully and wholly reflect His desires for me. Yet there always seems to be a part of me that I don’t want to surrender…that I beg Him to allow me to keep…just a piece of who I am.
In recent weeks, that piece I’ve been begging to keep is my identity as a teacher. It’s so much more than what I do…it’s a HUGE part of WHO I am. I am crazy passionate about teaching, I love my students, and I absolutely knew it was my calling before I ever knew anything about South Sudan.
As the time nears for us to think about leaving our jobs and moving to a whole other country, I am big time wrestling with God about who I am. I mean, I am a teacher. I teach. I teach even when I’m not in a classroom, but I especially LOVE teaching high schoolers. I LOVE being in the classroom. I LOVE planning lessons. I LOVE watching students “get it.” I LOVE being able to talk to them about life. I LOVE getting to be there for them when they struggle. I just love every bit of it.
I have been reading a book as part of our training called Preach and Heal. It dives into the fact that Jesus didn’t compartmentalize His ministry; He preached and healed simultaneously, and if He’s our model for what ministry should look like, then we should be doing both. At one point in the book, though, the author discusses Dr. Luke (because of the Luke 10 Model). Luke had been a practicing physician prior to writing the Gospel of Luke and the Book of Acts, but the author points out that Luke gave up what very well may have been a successful practice and a beloved profession to follow God’s calling to write. The author’s discussion of Luke has had a profound impact on me (even though it’s far from the central theme of the book), because of where I am right now.
I have no doubts that we’re called to South Sudan. I have no doubts that God will use us and work through us while we’re there. And I know that my identity in Christ is absolutely the most important identity I have; however, I am struggling as God works on cutting away these pieces of me. (Don’t get me wrong, a huge part of what I will do in Nasir is teacher training and radio program development, so I’ll still get to be in a classroom teaching…God certainly won’t let that passion go to waste!!!) I know that my holding onto this identity is wrong, and that I have to let it go and trust that what God has for me is far greater and will bring me far deeper joy than anything I could ever imagine. And I have this image in my mind of me white-knuckle clinging to my lesson plan book as God is patiently, but persistently tugging it away from me. It’s just another part of my life that I much surrender…and quickly…so that I may be more of who He wants me to be.
Please pray for me as I walk through this identity crisis. Pray that I will lay it at His feet and trust Him with my life, my career, my future. Pray that I will fully embrace exchanging my American classroom for a South Sudanese one, and that in it, I will find a joy and freedom far greater than anything I could ever imagine.
