Over the last few months, I’ve slowly been wearing myself out. It’s true, I have a Kindergartener, a toddler, and an infant. I teach online early each morning, and I homeschool each day. There’s laundry to do and a house to keep neat and tidy livable. In short, there’s a lot being demanded of me each day.
But that’s not actually why I’ve hit a brick wall.
I’ve said “yes” to too many things and spread myself too thin. In my attempts to “do it all,” I’ve actually worn myself clean out and have basically nothing left to give. It’s been a huge lesson in learning that I just have to say no sometimes, and basically realizing that I’m human and I have limits.
And I’m not happy about it.
Before I had kids, I had what now seems like a limitless amount of energy, more time than I knew what to do with, and creativity overflowing (plus said time and energy to pursue all of those creative passions). And I still want that to be true of my life. But it just isn’t anymore.
Over the past several months, I’ve continued all my normal responsibilities, plus added a baby, taken on a couple of creative projects as favors to friends, returned to teaching online, and even tried to run a small business on the side.
And it’s just been too much.
I finally hit my breaking point a couple of weeks ago in a conversation with my husband. It wasn’t a big “aha” moment or anything. Instead, as I shared all of the reasons I feel like I’m on the struggle bus, the tears slowly welled up. Soon I was outright crying because, darn it, I’m tired and I’ve said yes to too many things and I just don’t feel like I can live up to it all right now.
And it’s my own fault.
After pouring my heart out to my husband, I spent some time reflecting on what this all means for me. I’ve had to really dig deep and ask myself why I say “yes” to new projects when I really don’t have the time, why I overextend and overcommit. And I came to two major conclusions.
I realized that there is a part of me that might actually be struggling with contentment, even though on the surface I never would have pegged contentment to be my issue.
Honestly. Just a couple of months ago in small group, I talked about how content I am in life. This season of life has been joyful. It genuinely has. But it’s like there’s an itch I’m always trying to scratch. I think it’s good and right and healthy to find outlets for my creativity, and I don’t think it always has be something for my kids. It’s okay to want to create something for the sheer sake of enjoying the process and the product. Just for me to smile about. I truly believe that God gifted me in this way and it’s okay.
But what’s not okay is elevating that desire to a point that it displaces other responsibilities (and my sanity). In talking to a friend this week, I realized that sometimes I’m so eager to pursue my “creative outlets” that I will simply look away from the mounting obligations so that I can do what I want to do.
Because it makes me happy.
Because I’m a “creative” at heart.
Because I don’t want to do housework or focus on habit training right now.
Because I’m a little bit selfish.
And – I absolutely hate to admit this – I realized that I’m not always content to make it my ambition to lead a quiet life (1 Thessalonians 4.11). I like hearing how great I am, getting that pat on the back, and hearing the accolades from others. When I used to teach full-time outside of the home, I loved that my colleagues and supervisors would tell me what a great job I was doing. Yay me!
And truth be told, I miss that as a stay-at-home mom. Sure, my husband encourages me and tells me I’m doing great. And I know in my heart that quiet servitude is pleasing to the Lord.
Yet.
I think some of what drives me to take on more than I can handle is the sheer desire to hear someone gush about how amazing I am.
There. I said it and it’s disgusting and I wish that sin wasn’t in my heart. But there it is. I’m working through it with the Lord.
I also still struggle with people-pleasing. I don’t ever want to let people down, so I say yes when I probably should say no.
It’s not so much a fear of man, but a desire to make people happy with me. I like when I can do something that’s helpful or blesses others. I genuinely do. But I think there’s a bit of vanity in it, too. I want them to be happy with me.
Yet another ugly truth.
It looks like me, with 6 plates already spinning, saying, “Yes, I can fix that for you! Sure, I don’t mind donating my work. No problem, I’ll just start up that small business in my spare time.”
And. I. Need. To. Stop.
Because I’m human and I simply cannot do it all.
Or at least, I cannot do it all at once. Not in this season of life when I’m raising tiny humans, homeschooling, teaching online, and trying to get a few consecutive hours of sleep.
Because I still get up – on average – 3 times per night to nurse Nora. Then I’m rolling out of bed by 5:50 to get downstairs and teach a couple classes. As soon as I hit “finish class,” I’m hopping in the shower, getting my kids up, and starting the diaper change-breakfast-morning basket routine…and the day doesn’t slow down from there. Because once you throw homeschooling a Kindergartener, keeping alive a toddler who’s bent on killing himself, and making sure the infant gets plenty of eye contact, breastmilk, and tummy time, well, let’s just say I’m still trying to figure out how to pee alone.
Setting Limits & Learning to Say No
So now comes the tough part.
Blaise and I talked through what is reasonable for me to expect to accomplish in a week, what is worthwhile for me to continue to pursue, and what I need to carefully trim from my life. And I’m not going to lie, some of it is quite tough.
A big decision is to not focus quite so much on building my copywriting business right now. I still have a couple of clients I am writing for regularly, and there are a couple more smallish projects on the horizon; however, I took a look at some of my lofty 2020 goals and basically threw them in the trash.
That dream of writing for a living? Yeah, it just got pushed waaaaay down the list.
I am a mom first and foremost, and then when I continue ranking my priorities, being a business owner just doesn’t rank very high right now. Maybe it will again someday when I have fewer kids in diapers (like, maybe none) and more kids who can make their own breakfast (current count: zero).
Another big thing that I honestly have to say no to is creative projects for friends. I don’t have the capacity to pull off an entire photo shoot plus cull, edit, and deliver said photos or build a website from scratch right now. Would I love to? Absolutely! But truthfully, there just isn’t enough of me to go around. I’ve learned my lesson the hard way that when I try to please everybody, I usually end up disappointing most of those same people (sorry, Abe and Stef, that it’s taken 4 months to get your pictures edited!).
Pressing Into the Lord
Just as I’m in a season of learning how to say no, I’m also learning how to press into the Lord for my strength, my identity, and my portion each day in a way I’ve never had to before. I can clearly see my limits and where I need to draw my boundary lines. Instead of rebelling against them, as I’m prone to do, I’m learning to find freedom in wholeheartedly pursuing what He has given me.
Because there are lots of things that I still get to say a resounding YES to!
YES to snuggling on the couch and reading another book.
YES to coffee dates with friends because it’s good for our souls (and good for our kids).
YES to writing on my own blog when I actually have time.
YES to nursing and rocking my baby to sleep, because babies don’t keep.
YES to spontaneous science experiments.
YES to teaching a few extra classes each week (after the kids go to bed) because the coronavirus has kids in China on an indefinite winter holiday.
YES to home improvement projects that I’ve had on my list forever.
Gosh, there’s a lot of freedom in NO, because it sure does free me up to say way more YESES!
I’m a work in progress, so I may still slip up and say yes before I think about it. I may still rationalize why I can squeeze in this “little, tiny project.” I may still find myself frustrated that I’m JUST a stay-at-home-mom sometimes.
But I am so thankful that I have a gracious and loving Savior who knows precisely how I’m wired and who has far more patience with me than I deserve. I am learning to be content with exactly what’s in front of me right now.
And I’m learning to make it my ambition to lead a quiet life, not just settle for one.
