Honestly.

Oh, some days I wish I hadn’t promised y’all (I’m trying to be Southern) that I would be honest on here, because honestly, the truth isn’t pretty right now.

Folks, this journey we’re on is stinking hard! Have I said that before? Have I communicated my aches, my fears, and my struggles? Have I made it clear that this battle that isn’t against flesh and blood wreaks havoc in our lives? If I haven’t yet, I probably will over these next months.

Last week I moved to Houston.  It wasn’t a well-planned move.  In fact, I moved within 24-hours of finding out that I was to be here for orientation/in-service for a new job I obtained at a high school here.  I literally opened up a trunk, two suitcases, and a small bag and just started shoving clothes, toiletries, and books into them.  I had every closet door in our small camper open, things strung out everywhere, and was frantically tossing things into “must pack” piles.  I didn’t even have time to make a list.  That’s how seriously last-minute this move was.  NO LIST!!!

Let me paint a picture of how hard this was for me.  I got the word that I needed to move, I called Blaise bawling my eyes out, begging him to come from work at lunch so that I could cry on his shoulder, feel his strong arms around me, and feel the centeredness that he provides me.  He couldn’t leave work.  I fell to the floor crying…I mean, WAILING! I was crying out to God to stop the wheel…to press pause on this move…to not make me do this.  I got nothing.  God just kept nudging me…gently, but definitely.

I called my parents and cried, because they live an hour away and there was just no time to see them and say goodbye.  We’ve been going through some very rough stuff with my parents lately, and so not having that closure was literally tearing my heart to shreds.  I felt like the worst daughter in the world.

By the time I was loaded and ready to leave Wednesday morning, I was a hot mess.  I had cried off and on all night, my eyes looked swollen shut, and I was weak and tired.  Blaise was ah-maz-ing.  He prayed for us, he assured me he felt this was right, and he didn’t cry once.  I sat down and clung to our dog, crying into her fur.  She had a heyday licking my face.

I cried all the way to Illinois (1.5 hours), and finally dried it up for the sake of not wrecking or falling asleep so close to home.

I still have moments when I just burst into tears for seemingly no reason…but mostly when people ask how I’m doing.  For some reason that question causes me to lose all resolve.  Please don’t ask me that…I simply can’t answer it.

I am thankful that God carried me down here, and especially thankful for the amazing people I have surrounding me in love.  I am thankful for the next phase in this journey, and especially thankful to spend time with our Nasir team.  I am thankful that God has chosen to use me and has given me the strength to be used, and especially that He’s willing to take me, flaws and all.

But this is hard.  I did not have the closure that I wanted…needed.  So much was left unsaid, so much was left undone.  Can I go back to say those goodbyes? Of course, but that doesn’t make this any easier.

Please pray for me during this transition.  I wanted to be all smiles and excitement, but I just have to cry my way through it for a bit before I can begin to dance.  But pray that the dancing comes soon…because oh how I love to dance!