One Week.

God’s timing is interesting.  I felt like that move last week was going to kill me.  Seriously…my pancreas hurt from crying so much.  As Blaise and I sat in that conference last weekend, I kept thinking about him leaving without me to go home and I decided, “No big deal.  Blaise can just miss the flight home and instead we’ll leave together on Sunday and drive back to Indiana.”  No kidding…I had it all planned out in my mind.

I even had all of the excuses planned out.  In fact, I tried one on Andrew, “Well, how can we raise support while I’m here in Texas? It just makes sense for me to go back to Indiana.”  Andrew’s response was, “This move wasn’t a surprise to God and He’s behind it.”  I even played the same card with Blaise, but he responded, “Cass, I just feel like you are supposed to be here right now.  I don’t know why, but you need to stay.”

Either my excuses are lame, or they had a point.  (I’m going with the latter, because I ROCK at making excuses!)

God had given me the precise amount of courage needed (and not an ounce too much) to throw all of my clothes into my car and drive 1,080 miles to Houston without saying goodbye to most everyone I love, leaving my husband and my dog behind.  And I’m not a spontaneous person.

I definitely don’t presume to know God’s thoughts on all this; however, I can tell you that I have gleaned some things this week.

I’ve had a lot of alone time, which is not something I generally like in large doses.  I have had to eat lunch all by myself in crowded restaurants, I have had to navigate this enormous city by myself, and I have had to confront some hurts and fears in those open spaces where people haven’t been filling the void.  My devotional and prayer time has been much more intense because I’m leaning solely on God right now, certainly not my own understanding.  In a conversation with Natalie, she reminded me that few times in life are like this for most of us, and it’s an incredibly sweet time to be walking with Jesus.  I would concur.  The big step was moving down here, but that unknown is over and so now I’m really much more okay with other things as they happen.  I can relax, because I jumped and He totally caught me.

I have gained some clarity on things happening back in Indiana with my family.  There have been some recent struggles surface, brokenness exposed, and perceptions shattered.  I love my family, so I was very, very emotionally involved in those struggles, and because it’s how I am wired, I allowed myself to take on some of those burdens that were never mine to bear.  God pulled me out of the thick of it swiftly last week, and since then I’ve felt His gentle whispers that some issues have to just be laid at His feet.  I can still honor my family without carrying things I wasn’t meant to carry.

I’m not alone here.  My initial reaction was that I would be here all alone, because my other half (better half, actually) was going back to Indiana.  How could I survive? The truth is, I’m not alone.  You see, one of our biggest struggles in Indiana was that we always felt completely cut off as we walked obediently with the Lord toward South Sudan.  We felt like few people really understood what all of this missions stuff meant.  (More than once I’ve quoted a scene in Harry Potter in which Luna Lovegood tells Harry that Valdemort probably wants Harry to feel cut off from everyone, because if it’s just Harry alone then he’s not as much of a threat.  I’m sure that Satan operates in much the same way.)  While I was worried about doing this whole Houston thing alone, what I’ve already found in such a short, short time is that we have a soft place to land here.  So many people know us already and know that we are going to South Sudan…and not just know it but are completely supportive of it, know what it means, and just get it! The church we’ll probably go to has a huge heart for South Sudan, many of my friends here I met on previous trips to South Sudan, and Every Village is here.  Alone? Definitely not…God has placed me within an incredible circle of people whose hearts all beat for the same place as does ours.

Also, I have a mission field here in Houston.  Yesterday I blogged about the job I got; I’ll be teaching in one of the worst high schools in Houston–by both reputation and state report card.  It’s a low income, inner city high school full of students who need hope.  I get to be the light in some pretty serious darkness, and while I fear failing my students, I also can’t wait to begin pouring into their lives.  I drove down to this school yesterday, and as I drove around the school and prayed about the job, I experienced a tremendous and overwhelming peace about it.  The job is certainly why I moved when I did, but more than that, I really feel God’s anointing on this.

In such a short amount of time, I have met some incredible people, reconnected with some of my dearest sisters in Christ, and experienced healing in places that I didn’t even know were hurting.  God is very much present and working, and while we still don’t see the how’s and why’s to the suddenness of the move, I can say that I definitely feel the Holy Spirit moving.  We are also realizing that while God took me out of my obvious comfort zone geographically, He is also pushing Blaise beyond his emotionally.  Because I’m here, Blaise will be doing the bulk of the support raising alone.  He is kind of terrified of presenting our ministry to others in meeting formats.  He believes in it wholeheartedly, but speaking of any kind when he’s put completely on the spot makes him more than uncomfortable.

God is stretching us both, and while we can’t see the end result yet, we know that one day we’ll look back and say, “Ohhhhh, so that’s what God was doing.  It was one of the hardest times in our lives, but it was also one of the most significant and transformative.”

Please pray for us as we walk forward that we would continue to listen closely to His still small voice in the noise and distractions around us.  We desperately want to be obedient, whatever that looks like.