Well I declare! I have never had such a difficult time putting my thoughts into words. I have started a half a dozen posts over the last few weeks, and deleted them all because I just don’t feel like I can adequately express what’s tumbling around in my head! I’m not promising that today’s will be any better, but maybe if I just start writing, the words will come more easily.
I want to share with you what has been one of the biggest struggles lately…selling our house. No, we have not found an interested buyer yet, but it’s on the market and that alone was a big, scary step!
Blaise and I worked tirelessly for a full month and a half to get the house updated, cleaned, and repaired (all minor, thankfully) so that it would be “competitive” in today’s market. We spent countless hours and way too many dollars on making it exactly the way we’ve wanted it to be the whole time we’ve lived here…painting the porch, painting the porch railing, putting up damaged gutters from last winter’s Icemageddon, installing a new butcher block counter top, putting in a new living room ceiling, landscaping, fixing broken knobs in the bathtub, painting over the kitchen walls, and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning.
Then it was time to have the Realtors over to fill out the mountain of paperwork, hand over the pictures, and make it all official. I did alright until that very moment…and the second they walked out of our house that night, I sobbed as if someone in my family had just died. That’s really what it felt like…awful.
The next day, I woke up and resolved to be stronger, because after all, we’re doing this so we can go serve God in South Sudan…that’s totally worth it, right?!? (I know the answer…it is worth it.) Again, I did okay until our Realtor emailed me the link for our online listing. The words “This dream home is move-in ready!” were like a knife through my heart. This is OUR dream home…I don’t want it to be anyone else’s!!!
Then, we spent the night at the camper so that I could paint and Blaise could make repairs on it. I spent that entire night and a good portion of the next day complaining about the camper: the cheap, thin walls, the low water pressure, the way it rocks when the wind blows, the draft from the slide out, and the list goes on. Blaise finally had to stop me; he had had enough of my complaining and I realized then that I was hanging onto everything…I had not let the house go and I had not made peace with what was being asked of us. That night I spent a long time alone with God, crying to Him–Abba–to take this burden, this grief, and this concern away from me. He filled me with a deep peace that has resonated from my heart since then. Praise the Lord!
Since then, I have cried a few other times, but mostly I have thanked the Lord for blessing us with this home…it has truly been a sanctuary for us and has blessed us tremendously over the last [almost five] years. What I have recognized in this whole struggle is that it isn’t just that we’ve been asked to sell our house, but we’ve been asked to give up the dreams we’ve been chasing. Home ownership put us in the ranks of other Americans chasing The Dream, and suddenly we aren’t after that anymore. (NOTE: I DO understand that what we are now chasing is SO.MUCH.BIGGER…but I’m just trying to keep it real here.) I am COMPLETELY excited about moving to Uganda, but I have to be honest and tell you that the what-could-have-been is just as difficult to let go of as the tangible. I have spent a good deal of time telling God that I don’t really like this right now, but I’m also really learning to submit to His will and trust in His sovereignty. It’s hard, but it’s good.
I have also been praying a LOT for the perfect buyers for our house. I ask that you join me in lifting up, not just people who will love it and buy it, but people who will also be deeply blessed by living here in this house…because it is a good one!
There have been several Scriptures that have really comforted me lately, but here are a couple:
Luke 9:58 “Jesus replied, ‘Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head.'”
Isaiah 55: 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways…”