let's be social!
I’ve said it many times, but my time in Texas so far has been difficult. Not because I don’t have adequate support…the people God has placed in my life are beautiful, amazing, and godly, and they have held me up through this enormous transition. No, the time has been hard because I’m letting go of and grieving my life in Indiana while embracing a new one here in Houston…all without my better half by my side. Hard.
One night about a week and a half ago I was just slammed with emotion as I went to bed. Instead of falling asleep, I laid in bed crying for quite some time. I could see in my mind the gorgeous cornfields of Indiana, my beautiful nieces and new nephew, and my little camper home. I was just sad and absolutely in pain missing my family. It was one of the lowest points since I’ve been here…the week had already been rough, I had already cried several times at random moments, and it was the week in which I most wanted to leave and go back home. I just couldn’t bear staying here anymore. So I cried. In the midst of my tears, though, I heard a voice so real that it seriously startled me. I was gripping my sides and doubled over in tears when I heard, “No man who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God.”
Umm…hello?
I was silenced. First of all, I’ve read that verse time and again, but it isn’t as if I’ve really pored over it and committed it to memory as I have others. The fact that it, in particular, came to me audibly startled me. I stopped crying and just sat still for several minutes while I let it sink in…not fit for service in His Kingdom. I mean, that’s what I’m doing here…pursuing service in His Kingdom. And then I realized that the emotional struggle that I kept flippantly calling homesickness was really me looking backward instead of forward. It was me not surrendering this new season of my life to Him, and it was me holding onto things of this world…a home and a comfort that aren’t eternal.
As I laid in bed calling out to God to take away my selfishness and my worldly desires, He reminded me of a conversation that Blaise and I had last summer right after we returned from Africa. We sat out on the front porch and had a lengthy and serious discussion about our commitment to follow Christ wherever He asked us to go in the world. I remember distinctly that I told Blaise, “This house, our careers, none of it means anything to me anymore. I would give up every single thing to get back to South Sudan.” Every single thing.
God has called me out on that. Am I really willing? When the rubber meets the road, did I mean what I said?
The answer is YES! I am still here in Houston, and while I am still working through the stages of grief, I have also found a renewed sweetness in Him. Yes, He called me out on it and asked me to come to Houston without closure in so many areas…but He didn’t ask me to come here alone. He has met me in every single one of those dark nights and lonely moments.
Since that night, I have felt a renewed sense of joy and faith in moving forward. I have almost NO answers to so many questions, and I really can’t tell you what the next year of my life will look like. I can’t even tell you what the next two weeks will look like! But what I can tell you is that God will not forsake me. Maybe it was odd to some people that I thought of Luke 9 in that moment of sorrow. I mean, it’s not the most gentle, sweet reminder of God’s love and tenderness…it’s actually a pretty hard line. Don’t look back, or else you aren’t fit for service in His Kingdom. Ouch. The Holy Spirit knew that I needed a reminder of how serious Christ was when He called us, and I needed a reminder that I AM willing to give it all up for Him.
Because He’s worth it.
