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This week I have had a heavy heart. I am not so sure why this week, in particular, has been a struggle for me, but I have had some things on my mind and I want to share them (remember, this blog is all about honesty, so if you would rather read a fluffy blog about furry kittens, you’re in the wrong place).
It has become acutely aware to me that everyone does not care about what is happening in Sudan…Africa…the world like I do. I am a passionate person and I really want everyone to be as involved and psyched about my mission to Sudan as I am…but this will not happen. In addition, I have been immersing myself in books, movies, and websites about Sudan in anticipation of better relating to the people whom I will meet while in Nimule. I have cried, laughed, and hoped alongside the Lost Boys whose stories I have read, and I have developed extremely strong emotions of empathy and love for the Sudanese. This has caused me, and my passionate brain/heart/soul, to think daily about the stories I have read and to imagine what this trip might be like for me. What will I feel? What will I think?
What I have realized is that I am more aware of people’s whining and complaining about their “awful” lives or current “crisis”. I am not without complaints and fits of whining…so don’t think I’m about to get all churchy on you, but each time I hear someone- including myself- whine about something ridiculously unimportant, I immediately and without intention think of the Lost Boys. The displaced Sudanese. The children without mothers. The nationless in refugee camps. I cannot help it. It is becoming a part of me.
So this week I have had a heavy heart. I am already feeling the beginnings of a rift. I am scared that once I go to Sudan and experience all of the raw emotions and the world as it is outside of our American bubble, I will no longer be able to relate to anyone. I am scared that Blaise and I will no longer understand each other, or that this thing will be too big a gap for us to close. I am scared that I will have little patience for my over-priveleged students. I am scared that I will be very depressed, that I will cry at even the most imperceptible provocations. I am scared that I will resent others for not caring enough. I am scared of how this journey will change me.
I do carry much hope, however, that this trip will be the most amazing thing I have ever done. God is great and I trust Him completely to lead me into this with resiliency, faith, and an open heart. So my fears today will become my prayers tonight, and those, thanks to a great and merciful God, will become my strength for July.
I will leave you with this beautiful quote (my new favorite) from James Maskalyk’s book, Six Months in Sudan: A Young Doctor in a War-Torn Village…
“Some of the work in repairing the world is grim; much of it is not. Hope not only meets despair in equal measure, it drowns it.” (p. 5)
