It’s 12:05 am and I cannot sleep. I’ve journaled. I’ve prayed. I’ve read the Bible. But I still cannot sleep and something inside of me is prodding me to blog this particular experience that I’ve been wrestling with for about a week and a half now. I’m hoping that at the end of this post, sleep will come easily, or if nothing else, I’ll have at least been honest with you (and hopefully at this late hour, somewhat coherent).
I feel as if I’m at a crossroads of sorts…only this one has eternal implications. This new timeline that has been set before us by Every Village is one that both excites and terrifies us. We are excited because it means getting on with the next phase of this journey. It means meeting our teammates and beginning the process of knitting our lives together. It means being among the Every Village team whom we have grown to love and cherish so dearly, and the daily encouragement and support that they provide. It means being that much closer to our big move to South Sudan.
However, it also means the shedding of expectations and ultimately, letting go of any and all illusions of control. It means that things are going to happen much sooner than we had expected. It means that we will not have all of the ducks in the row that we had previously anticipated. It means that some plans we had made and hoped for can no longer happen right now…plans for particular jobs…even plans for a baby.
No, God is not finished asking us to shed ourselves. Not. Even. Close. You see, we are nearly finished shedding the physical things…the house, the furniture, the accumulated junk. That was honestly relatively painless (except for the house) compared to this. Now comes the really hard part, because now God is working on the deeply emotional things, and they do not go so easily. There’s no garage sale for your dreams. No Goodwill for your plans. No Craigslist for the deepest desires of your heart. There’s only you, Jesus, and the boat (see Matthew 14: 22-31).
I journaled this today:
Today I really hit a brick wall of discouragement, frustration, and fear over what God is asking us to do…give up the job, move to Houston without the guarantee of jobs or any real plan or financial cushion, and really just STEP OUT OF THE BOAT. It’s so hard and I don’t want to. I just don’t. Every ounce of my flesh is screaming, “No! Stay in the boat…it’s safe, it’s predictable, it’s comfortable, and it’s easy.”
And then I think of Jesus. I think of Him standing ON TOP OF THE WATER and beckoning for us to join Him. I’m scared and I can easily give Him 150 reasons why this won’t work, but He still stands there. Will I be courageous enough to follow Him? To be obedient? To live the life that He has planned for us?
And that’s what it all comes down to, really. Jesus is asking us to have the faith to step out of the boat and to WALK ON WATER. To follow Him faithfully wherever He calls us to go. To give up dream jobs, financial security, and any clue as to how the pieces will fit together. Will I have faith enough to trust that they will fit together, though, in the end?
I guess right now I am just so overwhelmed with the enormity of this walk…the way that following Christ is completely wrecking my life…just shattering everything I’ve ever thought I wanted. It hurts. It’s hard. And it demands a faith in Him to come through that I wonder some days if I honestly have. I feel just like Peter must have felt when he was walking on the water to get out to Jesus…scared, overwhelmed, struggling against the waves of doubt and discouragement, looking around and wondering if he was out of his mind. If only Peter hadn’t looked around, if only he hadn’t focused on the impossibility of that moment, if only he had kept his eyes fixed upon Jesus and walked faithfully one step at a time as Jesus alone held him up.
It’s such a powerful reminder to me that I don’t have to know all of the answers or be able to see how it’s going to work, but that I just have to walk. I just have to walk faithfully and trust that if Jesus has beckoned us out onto the water, then He obviously plans to keep us from sinking.
So, I’m going to pray like crazy for courage and then STEP OUT OF THE BOAT and WALK ON WATER toward Him!
Cassandra,
I feel like I can identify with your blog very well. This past week, since I've been contemplating what God might possibly lead Doug and me to do regarding Sudan, I've had a sense of my flesh warring against the Spirit. We just bought our first home 3 years ago. We have 4 little dogs that are like our children. Last year I just started wanting a baby (I'm 31) and yet, we have started to discuss going overseas for an extended period of time. I have to admit, I felt like I was thrashing around…kinda like halfway drowning. And I became tired and depressed this week, so I slept too much. (I also worked overtime 2 weeks in a row so that didn't help much.) In 2006 I gave away most of my things and packed my bags to go to N. Sudan for supposedly 2 years but only lasted 4 months…The idea of giving up material comfort and financial security seems foolish to our American minds. When I need encouragement regarding God's provision, I find myself seeing tiny sparrows and guess what they are usually doing? Eating something they just happened to find. I sense the Holy Spirit say, "Are you not more important than the sparrows? Won't you trust God to provide?" I hope you are encouraged and find yourself ecstatic to jump out on the water. I understand the difficulty and I will pray for you.