I promised to blog about this, but I’m not promising it will be pretty. In fact, I can pretty much guarantee that it will not.
Blaise was injured at work back in February, and it actually kept him off of work for three months. During that time, we focused almost entirely on his hand and healing. I was also working at that time, and life was just incredibly overwhelming. At first, we really drew nearer to God and prayed fervently for healing, really trusting our lives to His will. We took our house off of the market and took some steps toward leasing it, I went through a Beth Moore James study, and Blaise started going to a men’s prayer breakfast since he was off work. It wasn’t too long, though, before I just got way overwhelmed and went into survival mode…you know that kind…just trying to keep my head above water. I completely took my eyes off Christ and life nearly swallowed me whole.
When I say those months were grueling, I mean that Blaise suffered from depression, discouragement, and a tremendous amount of pain. I was stressed, frazzled, and completely shutting down spiritually. Instead of turning to God in my weakest time, I chose to grit my teeth and do it myself. I don’t know what, exactly, I thought I would accomplish, but I was just sacked and ready to give up.
During those months, Satan also began working in our lives…and hard. I became extremely selfish: with my time, with my life, with my house, with everything. I also allowed myself to worry incessantly about Blaise’s hand, our house, and our very unknown future. I worried like it was my full-time job. Blaise and I both started feeling really discouraged with raising support, and I was really struggling hard against giving up our house and giving up my career. I love both things.
If this is something you’ve ever experienced, then you know how deep and dark a place we were in…not pretty.
From about the beginning of March until the end of April, I spiraled into a ball of emotions, worry, selfishness, and absolute rebellion. It was ugly and though I’m not at all proud of this reaction to the struggles we faced, I just want to be honest. We’re human and we’re broken. I gave Satan a stronghold through my disobedience and worry, and I paid dearly.
There was a break, though, at the end of April. Blaise and I went camping for the weekend, and it was a very nice opportunity to get out of town and remove ourselves from our environment. It was there, that Saturday night in our tent that I just completely lost it. The wall came crumbling down and I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I kept telling Blaise that I just couldn’t do it…any of it! I was even rambling on about misunderstanding our calling, doubting that we should even go to South Sudan, and ranting about how much I just wanted to stay put. This journey we’re on, it is SO hard. Thankfully, Blaise was complete patient, but also completely insistent on us moving forward and being obedient. Unlike me, he was not having a Jonah moment and he was desiring to be obedient. Bless that man!
It wasn’t until the Thursday following our camping trip that I finally cried out to God in a way that freed me from the bondage I was in. I couldn’t sleep that night, so at around 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning I got up and went into our living room. I started on the couch, just praying and crying to God. Soon, I was on the floor, and before too long I was face-first on the ground just sobbing to God, telling Him how much I DO NOT want to move into the camper, DO NOT want to leave our families here while we live in Africa, DO NOT want to give up teaching. But that I would do it if that’s what He continued to ask of us. Submission.
I got up from the floor feeling about fifty pounds lighter than I had been, and completely exhausted. I slept hard and sound that night for the first time in a couple of months. During that prayer time, I also asked that God affirm our commitment to the South Sudanese people…affirm our calling. And did he ever…LOUD and CLEAR!
I’ll share the rest of the story tomorrow!
