The last several months have been rough. I mean, slammed by the storm, drowned and tossed about kind of rough. I’ve really avoided writing much of it on the blog, because the ways in which we’ve struggled made me feel weak. I mean, are missionaries allowed to be homesick? Are they allowed to question their calling and commitment to that calling? Are they allowed to spend time curled up in a ball merely trying to wait out the storm?
Yes and no, we’ve learned. It’s okay to be homesick, and it’s even good to question our calling. Fleshing out those questions and emotions while we’re still on home soil allows us to do the grieving, the letting go, and the processing while we’re still surrounded by familiar things…like cheeseburgers and a solid church family. Analyzing our calling and our faith walk has allowed us to really grapple with some of those big questions now instead of when we’re in a foreign country, slammed by all new challenges. And it has allowed us to really recommit to being faithful, even when we don’t necessarily feel like it. We’re learning to separate our feelings from our faithfulness; to get up every morning and lay it all down before the Lord, no matter what our emotions are telling us.
What is not okay is the way we’ve allowed ourselves to be paralyzed by fear; me much more so than Blaise. I have been terrified at some of the ways the Lord has been pressing me to die to myself…to trust His timing…to trust His provision when there seems to be none. Instead of continuing to walk faithfully, there were days and weeks when I just existed. I could barely go through my normal routines, so I felt like trying to read through training books, raise support, and disciple others was just too much. There have certainly been dark days.
The amazing, awesome, good news is that Jesus sets us free! I have been released from that bondage that fear and anxiety were holding me in, and I have experienced greater joy. The Lord has had us on a serious growth curve, as Peter calls it, so the growing pains have been larger for us over the last few months than ever before in our lives. As hard and painful as it has been, it has also been incredibly sweet. We have been humbled and broken, on our knees crying out for God to hear us and carry us through, and absolutely dependent on Him for provision and protection. And you know what? He has not failed us.
There has been a tangible shift in our lives…the darkness has lifted and we are now experiencing the morning. We know that there will be more growing pains and more difficult moments ahead, but we also have learned what true, all out, running-toward-Him-with-wild-abandon surrender looks and feels like and I think we’re there. Now, I’m sure that there will be days when I have to wrestle with surrendering certain elements of our lives, but more than ever before, we are okay with not having all of the answers, having only a loose plan for the next several months, and knowing that it all could change at only a moment’s notice.
It’s His story, really, and we’re going to step aside, stop trying to control it, and just let Him write it.
